Too Beautiful for the Alpha novel Chapter 18

I slept better last night after our conversation, after seeing him and feeling him again. It confirmed and renewed feelings I've held for him, feelings I don't know should exist, ones that may be wrong but inevitable. All I know is that when I saw him in my bedroom, a part of me felt whole.

He's not the same as he was when we first met, I can see that now. He talked to me, opened up to me, came clean. It gives me even more hope than I had before, and that makes me nervous. In my mind, our story had ended when James told me he was here to reject me, but now so much has changed because of one conversation. One conversation and now I know that he wants me too. That's what James meant when he said he was bringing me home, right? He wants me there. He wants to try and fix things between us.

I have to reroute my mind again. It was heading towards a life alone, but now it may be going the opposite way. There is still may roadblocks and issues keeping me hesitant about him, but I'm confident in this. That woman, she's one of them. The green-eyed woman who haunted the hallways at night. The fact that he was with her... It's a tremendous roadblock. I never want to be hurt like that again.

I don't know if I trust him after witnessing those events. His kind words last night make me want to, but sleeping with someone else is like a brand to my heart. The sounds still echo in my mind when I think about it. The only reason that shines a bit of clarity on the entire thing is that he may have done it to forget about me. I thought of this before but was too unsure to believe it. Now that I know he wants me there, the thought doesn't seem so dubious. He told me that I am always in his head, and I can't help but wonder if I was then too. Did he really need someone else to stop thinking about me?

It doesn't make up for the act, though. I hate that woman, I always will, and forgiving James for it seems difficult right now. I don't want him to forget how much it hurt me, how many tears I shed because of it. James can't forget that.

Even now, when he's at his pack house alone, I wonder if she is there. I doubt that I could feel it from this far away. I wonder if he's loving her and only telling me what I need to hear.

When it comes to her, I don't know if I can believe him.

Due to my mother's pushing, I am on my way to see Noah, since yesterday we didn't get to talk much. He agreed to meet at the open field near my house, but I can hardly think about making friends when I know James will be coming back any day. Will it be tomorrow or the next day or the next? Should I wear my nice pajamas just in case he sneaks in again? Should I try so hard? Should I make it seem like I don't care? All the other girls know this, but again, I missed out on such dilemmas when I was younger.

I come up to the field to find it empty, so I sit down in the grass to wait for Noah. The weather is nice today, and the soft breeze brings a rough hum into the air from the leaves brushing against each other above. The clouds are white, not a hint of grey, and the grass doesn't seem to itch my legs as usual. Everything is nice. Everything is calm, and I can't help but get lost in my thoughts.

A sudden dropping presence pulls me back to reality as I notice Noah sitting down beside me. I take in a short breath and except that I have to talk now. "Oh, hi," I say, recovering from the surprise.

"Hey." Noah asks, "You thinking about something? You looked like it, and I didn't know if I should interrupt."

He has that boyish charm that all the girls around here seem to like. He is one of them, the people I stayed away from because they all seemed too oblivious to real life. They snuck off pack land, flirted with people who aren't their mate, danced and secretly drank all for fun. They do bad things to feel free and never talk about finding their mate until they've found them, and once they do, it's all they talk about. He's one of them, the happy people.

I smile because I think it's what friendly people do. "Oh, no. I was just waiting for you."

Noah is one of the boys who enjoy the gathering, as I said. They talk to girls, laugh, enjoy being together. They're the boys who get into trouble and rant about having to become a guard or anything below leadership. They're the boy's girls want to be mated to.

I can see why. Noah seems likable; he's handsome, he has a sweet smile. If I were any other girl, I would be pleased to be his mate.

"Hope you didn't wait too long."

I shake my head. "No." He gazes off into the trees, and I struggle to conjure up a conversation. Talking to him is harder than talking to girls like Stacey. "So. You don't have a Mate?"

What a lousy way to start things off. The obvious choice, but clearly a delicate topic. It only takes me a second to regret the question, but I can't help but be curious about it. There is nothing wrong with Noah on the surface, so I'm assuming she didn't reject him. Maybe he rejected her.

He lets out a nervous laugh and I want to dash off. It's too late. I've already ruined things. "Well, she actually—she died."

My body sinks into the ground. What have I done?

I swallow and knot my fingers together in my lap. "Oh," I murmur, "oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Sorry."

"No," he brushes it off, "it's alright. You didn't know. It's been two years, so don't worry too much about it. It's not a fresh wound."

I nod. "How old are you?"

"I'm twenty. I found her when I was eighteen, and she died a few days after. I didn't really know her if that's why you're asking."

A few days. I want to ask how she died, but I know that it would be crossing the line. "Wow," I say, not knowing what else to say, "that's terrible."

Noah nods, and we look forward for a bit before he says, "So. You have a Mate?"

"Uh, yeah," I say as if I'm lying. "I do."

"Does he belong to this pack?"

I suppose it's only fair to talk about James since I asked about his Mate, but I know I can't tell him the entire truth. "He doesn't. He belongs to the Grant Pack."

"Shouldn't you be there, then?"

I look over at him, and he seems somewhat amused. It's probably because my mother told him that James and I didn't work out. He probably thinks I'm a loon. "I should be, but we're waiting a bit. Until things get better between our packs, I think."

"So he's must be an important guard? What position does he hold?"

The only position I know is the position my father held. "He works for one of the Alpha's personal guards." Theodore is one of James' personal guards, and it's odd to think of my imaginary mate working for him.

Noah smiles. "What a coincidence. I'm training to work for one of Alpha Waters' personal guards."

"That is a coincidence. Weird," I mutter, hoping he doesn't ask more about it. Quickly, I change the subject. "So our moms are friends. I didn't know that until last night."

Part of me wants to tell Noah that my mate is really Alpha Grant. I want to act like the other girls and brag about him, how important he is as if he were a king. I would never talk about the times he's hurt me, though. A king only seems so great until it's discovered that he's just as human as the rest of us. When I first found out that I was mated to an Alpha, all I could do was doubt it, but now knowing that James is capable of great mistakes, the concept of us being mated doesn't seem so wrong. It's only a title, though titles give power. How much power does he have over me? I can't reject him. That's one thing.

Noah and I continue to talk about things that don't really matter, and I can't tell if I enjoy it or not. It is a lot of work, having to entertain someone for so long, having to think up new topics and amuse. He doesn't seem bored, and I'm thankful for that. I may not be making a fool out of myself.

After we say goodbye and go our separate ways, I walk into my bedroom and feel as if weights have been lifted off of me. Not having to talk to anyone right now is a wonderful thing. I will enjoy the silence for as long as I can.

The diary sits back on my desk and begs me to read. James said it was okay, so the guilty feeling has mostly left, but now that I know she committed suicide, I don't know if I should read it. The diary is addressed to her future self, and I pray to the goddess that it isn't me.

After I eat dinner and change into my nice pajamas and brush my hair and teeth, the diary continues to prod at me until I open it.

December 7th, 1991

I told James I wanted to try again, but he said it was too soon, that I was not actually ready. He is probably right. All I can think about is the life I would have had with my child. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I am sure James wanted a boy so he could train him to be Alpha right away, but I wanted a girl. I wanted to brush her hair and braid it and tie little bows into it. I wanted to paint her room the softest pink and get her little shoes with bows on the toes. She would have been a daddy's girl. I know James would have loved her. I would have named her Jane. We would have been Jane, James, and Julianna. It would have been ridiculous but perfect.

I hope the Goddess is happy with my child. I hope she is satisfied with stealing another's baby. I have stopped praying to her. I have stopped believing that she is anything good. She cannot steal a woman's baby and be something worthy of prayers. I wonder if she steals all Luna's babies. I hope not. I hope the woman to come from this bloodline do not have their children taken from them. If I ever have a son, may his mate be careful. May his daughter be careful. May her daughter be careful. To all of them, we cannot trust her.

I close the diary and take a deep breath. The breeze creeps in through my open window, and I quickly get up to close it. The room is dark; the Moon is hidden tonight.

I cannot trust Julianna.