Too Beautiful for the Alpha novel Chapter 30

James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can't read them anymore. He put them in the library and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the time.

I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don't care about our disagreements anymore. She doesn't know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me back home.

I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave, they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don't talk about sad things anymore, only positive things. I want them to stop.

James spends more time with me now, and his father hasn't left. James told his father about me and didn't tell me how he reacted. His father helps with the pack a bit, working while James is with me. I feel like I'm holding him back. I feel guilty, but I do enjoy spending time with him. It's the only good thing coming out of this. He stays in the mornings. I wake up with him.

"Good morning," I hear him mumble as he shifts and rolls over, facing me. I'm always awake before him.

The sun is just beginning to rise and the walls are coated in warmth. His hair is messy and I comb through it with my fingers. "Good morning."

"How are you feeling today?"

"Better," I tell him honestly. "Ever since I stopped reading the diaries I've been feeling better."

"Good," he says, moving to get up, but I grab onto him.

"Not yet. I like these moments."

James settles back down. "Well, we can talk about my father coming for dinner then. He wants to meet you."

"What? He wants to meet me? I thought he was upset when he found out about me?"

"He was at first, but I think he's warming up to the idea. I think it's a good sign. Maybe he's changed," James says. "But until I know for sure, I'm going to be cautious. I don't want him around you if he's going to snap."

"Snap?" I question.

James shrugs it off. "Don't worry about it. I don't want you worrying about anything, okay?"

I nod and settle back down. "So he's coming tonight then?"

"If it's alright with you."

"I mean, of course. I want to meet him, too," I say, curious about this man who holds such an unclear reputation. I'll have to see for myself.

Later in the day, when James has left the house, I find myself in my bedroom alone, laying on my bed. Since that night, I've been trying to understand myself, trying to figure out how my mind went in the wrong direction so quickly. Maybe it was the diaries. Julianna's thoughts must have gotten to me. Reading so much of that and rekindling an old fear wasn't a good mix. That version of myself, that girl in the bathtub scares me. It was the darkest place I've ever been, and yet I can't figure out how it happened in only a flash.

When I was younger my episodes lasted weeks at a time. Just when I was back home, my head wasn't in a good place, it was a steady descent down. But this time it was different. I was at a peak, I was the all-powerful Luna, the girl they wanted to be, the girl who laughs and kisses boys, I was willing to go there with James, then it was a free-fall down. I was pushed off a cliff and drowned in the depths of the ocean. There was no steady descent. I'm scared of falling off again. I don't know what will happen if there's a next time.

I told myself that I wasn't like his mother, and I know I'm not. I know it.

Her diary is toxic. There was a difference between sad Rae when James was cold to me and sad Rae when I sat in the bathtub. I know the first one, I've been here many times in my life, but I don't know the second one. She's a stranger to me. She's a different form of depression that didn't feel like my own.

I sound like Julianna, blaming my problems on something that's not really here, but it makes sense to me. If I immerse myself in the mind of a sick person, I will become sick, too.

Later in the night, anticipating James' Father's arrival, I sit on my bathroom counter while brushing my hair, my back against the mirror. Theresa forgot to take the razor away from me after my shower, so I gave it back to her. She smiled and hugged me as if I had taken some big step to health. Either way, it felt nice to be hugged.

James should be getting back any minute now to get ready for dinner, and I'm excited to see him. I wish our bond hasn't strengthened because my plummet off of the cliff, but I feel close to him. My mind hasn't changed about being with him in a very intimate way, but I haven't brought it up. I don't know how tempting I am while being treated like a mental patient. If I asked I may be turned down again, and that only makes me angry. He should be asking me. He said he needs me, and I assume in many different ways, and I know one of them is that way. I'm his mate, of course he wants to be with me, but he doesn't act like it. I know it's because he thinks I'm in a fragile state, so I'm not going to push it.

I don't feel fragile. I feel fine. I want to tell him that, but I don't think he'd believe me. After trusting that I'd never do such a thing, I don't expect him to.

Running the brush through my hair, I cross my legs and sigh. I shall forever be the unmated Luna.

Sliding off of the counter, I leave the bathroom and turn to my closet, needing to get dressed. Taking off the robe, I put on underwear and search for something dinner-like. I've never had much luck with dressing for dinner, and I don't want to wear pajamas when meeting his father, so I take the time to look without getting overwhelmed.

While I'm trying a few things on, James comes in and I walk out of the closet to greet him as he sits down. He sits on the bed and falls back, looking tired. "Was it a rough day?" I ask, climbing up on the bed. I scoot in the way and he lifts his head up, resting it on my lap. He closes his eyes.

"It wasn't that bad."

"So you just missed me, then."

He peers up at me. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yes," I play along, not really knowing if he missed me. "Are you going to get ready?"

"I would rather stay here," he says, relaxing as I play with his hair.

We stay like this for a little while, forgetting about dinner and dressing ourselves and making a good impression. I lean against the headboard and look ahead, taking my eyes off of him as he continues to rest in my lap. "I really am feeling better," I say and he shifts.

"I know, you told me this morning. I'm glad you are."

My hands stop moving. "But I really am. I just don't want you to worry about me so much. Now that I've stopped reading the diaries, I feel like myself again and I don't need people watching me. I don't need to be babied."

James sits up, turning around to face me. "Rae, it's only been a week since that night."

"And I'm already back to normal, that should be a good thing."

He sighs. "What you did—It's not like a cold that goes away in a few days. I said I wouldn't call the doctor, so please don't try to rush things. You're feeling better, that's all that matters."

"Fine," I murmur and get off the bed, submerging myself back into the closet. "He'll probably be here any minute, so go get ready."

James leans into the closet before leaving, watching as I shuffle through things. "You know I'm only doing this because I care about you, Rae."

"I know."

I pull on a nice pair of pants and a cozy, welcoming sweater, something my mother might wear, before heading downstairs to help set the table. Gail and Theresa smile and chat as I carry plates and silverware into the dining room, setting everything at the three spots. James at the head of the table, me to the right, and his father to the left, if everything goes as planned in my head. I bring a glass pitcher of water and three glasses out to the table as James comes down. My eyes follow him as he nears the foyer, water pouring sloppily. I quickly wipe it up as I hear the door open, a new voice hardly reaching my ears.

Gail comes in and takes over, telling me to go and introduce myself. I stall for a moment, straightening a fork or two and bringing the dish towel used to wipe up stray drops of water back into the kitchen. Theresa takes it and leads me out of the kitchen, abandoning me in the hallway. I can see glimpses of them at the very end. James' father's scent is similar to his, and I wonder if that's an Alpha thing.

As they drift into the house, I have no other choice but to walk forward into the unknown. The two head down the hall and come to me like a stop sign. James smiles when he sees me and his father studies me while I do the same. It is a brief moment, but their similarities creep up my arms and grab me.

His father looks like he could be a brother, only older. They have the same nose, and eyes, and jaw, and the more I look, the more I feel like I'm looking into the future. Though their eyes are similar, something about his fathers makes me squeamish, like a large needle nearing my arm.

"Father, this is Rae East, my mate," James says, but I'm too engrossed in the weird feelings to act in the moment.

His father holds out his hand.

"Hello, Rae."