Hatred With Benefits novel Chapter 52

EVA.

My lips are parted with no words slipping through and the board falls from my hold as I stare at Emerson with wide eyes.

"I don't just think, Eva. I know I am. " He dares to repeat his words, in a firmer tone this time and I shake my head. "You don't mean those words. "

"Yes, I do, " he argues and I take a step back. "You don't, Emerson. You don't love me. You've never loved—"

"It's different now, Carson. It's fucking different!" He snaps, his chest falling and rising rapidly with each thick breath he takes and I turn away from him, tears burning the corner of my eyes but I'm quick to blink them back.

"Eva—" his voice echoes behind me but I don't let him finish. "You can't mean those words. You need to stop speaking this way, Ford. You need to stop fucking with my head. "

"I'm just fucking with your head!" He hisses and he's in front of me again. "Don't you fucking get it? I'm falling for you, Eva. I'm—"

"Stop. Just stop. Please. " I plead and there's silence with our heavy breaths the only sound that disrupts the air before Emerson breaks it. "Are you rejecting me, Carson? Because I swear to the heavens, I'll climb through your window and I won't take a damn look back. " He doesn't try to hide the pain in his words.

I don't speak. I don't meet his eyes and he says, "Honestly want it this way. " And when he takes a step away, I raise my head then. I swallow the bitter lump that rises to my throat when he takes another step, knowing I'll regret it if I make him leave. Knowing it'll hurt if Emerson Ford leaves.

"It's scary. " I tell him when he takes the final step that almost leads him out of my room, and Emerson turns back to meet my eyes. I gulp before I continue, "To feel this way for you, it's strange, but more than that– it's scary. "

"What way?" He whispers as he twists his entire body in my direction and I brace myself to let out the words that have been running through my mind, dwelling on my thoughts in the absence of Emerson Ford and threatening to consume my every being.

"Eva. Tell me what way and why it's scary?" Emerson reframes his question and I lift my head to him again. "I've hated you; I hated you for years. It's the only way I knew how to feel towards you, then I started to care–"

"You started to care about me?" He interrupts my words, as if not believing them and I hum. "You might think I don't because I rarely show it, but I do so fucking badly, Emerson. To the point where it gets overwhelming but I knew how to tame it. I knew I was safe because the line between my hatred for you and my care for you wasn't so broad. Not until I started to feel something else. Something that goes beyond my control and something that continues to grow no matter what I did–" I pause and take a breath.

"Do you want to?" Emerson asks, gesturing to the bed and I shake my head. "I just need to let it out. Just stand there. "

After a nod from him, I continue, "I've known how to hate you, and I've known how to care for you but I don't know how to love you, Emerson. I can feel it growing within me, but I don't know what to do with it, because it's just too much. I'm afraid of giving a little, or giving too much. I'm afraid of pulling away, or getting too close. I'm afraid of holding onto you, or letting you go. I'm afraid of where it starts, and where it's bound to end. I'm afraid of what will happen when you get over this and decide you don't feel the same way anymore. I'm afraid of the pain that's bound to come. I'm afraid of so many things, Emerson because I either give my all or I don't; I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to get in between and I'm afraid of that. Of so many fucking things and amidst my fear and confusion, lies you. Amidst them lies what I feel for you and what I continue to feel for you. "

"Eva—" his voice is soft as he calls my name and he attempts to take a step forward, but I hold out my hand, halting his steps.

"I've known what's like to love another, and I know the pain that comes with them not being by your side anymore. I've known that, Emerson and I've come to know the greater pain that's bound to come from you, because I'm not just letting myself love you; I'm letting myself be in love with you. I don't want to go through that pain, Ford. I can't. It'll ruin me. Destroy my very being like it's never been before. " With a sniff, I swipe my hand underneath my nose before I whisper, "It's already ruining me. "

There's silence, then the sound of his footsteps and Emerson is by my side, taking my hands from my face and gripping them in his hold. He drops his other hand to my face, and tips my chin to meet his gaze.

"Why do you think I would bring you pain?" He questions, his soft touch doing little to calm me.

"It'll happen, Ford. Where there's love, there'll always be a pain. " I tell him and he nods, "I'm not denying that, but what makes you think you would be in that pain alone, Carson? "

"What?" The word falls from my mouth and he gives me a gentle smile, "I'm new to these feelings too, Eva. At first, I thought to ignore them, but I've never been the type to deny what I know I feel, because I know denying them doesn't make them lessen; it worsens them. I'm not saying I won't hurt you, Eva, because you're fucking right about that. I will hurt you. I'll do a lot of shitty things that could hurt you, because just like you, Eva; I don't know the right things to do. I just let myself go with it because I'll rather be hurt with you, than be in pain without you. "

I open my mouth to speak, but he presses a finger to my lips, silencing my words. "I'm not asking you to give me your all, Eva. I want you to, but I can't possibly be that greedy right now. For now, I just want to take thoughtful steps. More has led us to these feelings, and these feelings are strange to us, so it's okay to not want to rush into them. It's alright to want to take time before you let yourself be entirely consumed by them. It's alright to be scared, Eva because you aren't alone in this. I'm fucking scared too, but more than that– I don't want to ever step away from this. The fear of being consumed by what I feel for you comes nowhere as close to the fear of losing this. "