Hatred With Benefits novel Chapter 66

ALIYA.

How does one love? How do you fall in love with that person and decide you want to keep that moment forever? How does one stay in love without wanting to leave?

These are the thoughts that are always on my mind ever since that day. Ever since she ran out of my room with tears in her eyes and I watch her leave, because I know going after her will do nothing but worsen the pain that I've caused. The pain that I couldn't hold back building.

My name is Aliya Collins and I have a problem.

I do not know how to love and stay in love.

At first, I thought maybe it was because I've never been in a relationship, but after being and breaking out of love – I realised that never was the problem. It was vice versa. It isn't that I couldn't love because I wasn't in a relationship; I wasn't in a relationship because I couldn't love. But things changed from that moment I met her.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes, and thought: oh, I do want to know this person more than this. I do want her to be by my side for what's to come and near. Cause I have. I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and I knew I wanted to know her more than that. I knew I wanted her by my side, and I got it. Everything was going well in my life. I wake up knowing I'm in love with someone and I go to sleep knowing I've got a special place in someone's heart.

Then it turned upside side.

One minute, I was living one of the most beautiful moments of my life and in the second minute, everything that I've always dreaded came alive.

I was in love with her. I knew it. I felt it. Said it so many fucking times in so many different ways, then I wasn't? That moment when you're living a beautiful dream, only for the acerbity of the reality to hit you? That was how it felt.

Sage meant so much to me. And still do. I cared for her, and wanted her to be by my side till she grows tired of me, but I was actually the one who grew tired. I've thought of many reasons why we would have parted, but I never thought it would be because I suddenly fell out of love with her. People break up because their partners cheat, because their relationship isn't going as they want it to or because they are in a toxic relationship, and I wonder if there have been any breakups because you just stop being in love with the other person?

What exactly is wrong with me? I've seen people in love and I've watched them grow old in it. I'm surrounded by love and I watch love grow daily, but why isn't that happening to me? Why did I easily get tired of loving her? Why did I do that? Is this a curse for me? To what offence have I done to be made this way? And to what extent would it go? If I could fall out of love with someone I felt was the one, then who else is out there for me?

Having had a taste of love, I do want it more now than ever, but how do I get that when love doesn't want me?

"Hey, you!" Eva's cheerful voice pulls me back to the reality of the cold world that's before me and I raise my head to smile at her. "Hey–" I take a peek behind her to see her boyfriend getting out of the car they came in with. My best friend is in love and every single day, I watch her glow even brighter but me? I lose bit by bit of my sanity with each second that passes.

"Your man again today?" I tease her and she throws me a glare as she removes her hand from my shoulder, "Don't start this morning, Aliya. "

"You blush too hard, Evie. I'm afraid you'll turn into a tomato at one point. " I continue my taunt despite her alleged dislike for it and she shoves her middle finger in my face, causing me to let out a laugh.

As we make our way to the first class, my eyes move around us, like it's been doing for days and the familiar disappointment and worry flood through me like always when I don't get what I'm looking for.

"You just have to ask you know. You don't have to pretend as though you aren't worried. " Evie's voice beside me brings my attention to her and I raise a brow, feigning ignorance even when I know what exactly she's hinting at. "What are you saying?"

"I know you're looking for her, Lia. You've been doing this every single day since Monday. " She calls me out, and I drop my head, avoiding her gaze as I speak, "I'm clueless as to what you mean. "

Eva's grip on my arm halts my steps and I twist my head to meet her eyes.

"I know you're worried because Sage hasn't been here for days. " She lets out the words I'm afraid of and I shake my head, "I'm not–"

Eva doesn't let me finish before she interrupts me, holding an amused expression as she speaks. "You forgot I'm not the only one who's bad at lying?"

There's a rise of my chest and the fall with the sink of my shoulders before I part my lips, "I don't have the right to be worried about her. Not after what I did. "

"Of course you do. You shouldn't think that. You had something special with her, Lia. " She says and I smile, "Yeah, and I fucked it up. "

"It wasn't your fault. We should always have the freedom to express our feelings, no matter how much it hurts the other person. " Maybe she's right, but isn't it better to hold back expressing those feelings that just hurt too much? Couldn't it have been better to keep lying just to prevent that pain?

When I don't give a response, Eva proceeds to say, "She hasn't been in since Paige left. I think she's down because of it; they were close after all. "

Right. Paige. The one who left after chaos.

"I'm sure she's fine. She should be, but if you're that worried then I can ask Emerson to—"

"No, " I say, silencing the rest of her words. "You shouldn't. You don't have to. It's like you said; she's fine. "

"Are you sure?" She asks, narrowing her eyes at me and I give her a small smile to assure her. "I am. Now let's stop speaking about it. "

She nods and I drape a hand over her shoulder as we walk into the hallways.

"So how are things going with you and Emerson?" I nudge her with my elbow to lighten the mood between us as we stride closer to the class and she says, "Why are you suddenly interested in my relationship?"

"Haven't I always been?" I arch my brows and she laughs. "That's right. I forgot you've always been this noisy. It's a surprise that I'm still here. "

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"Does it sound like one to your ears?" She retorts, the mockery beneath her words not escaping my notice and I say, "Sometimes, I honestly wonder why I put up with you. "

"That's because you know you can't find another one like me, bitch. " She passes me a wink and I shake my head, a laugh falling from my mouth as we walk inside the room.

Eva stops beside me when we get to the front and I trace the direction of her gaze to land on no one else but Emerson Ford. His smile matches the one on her face as they dive into their little world.

Love. A beautiful moment of love.

If my best friend can fall in love with a guy she once hated, then why's it hard for me to stay in love with the one I've always cared for?

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