Love Aint Always Pretty novel Chapter 49

Lítost

- regret and remorse and repentance; a state of agony and torment; or sorrow said to be "created by the sudden sight of one's own misery"

Origin: Czech

49

I just glued my eyes at his name while it was appearing on my screen. I didn't answer his call. I couldn't answer his call. I don't want to answer his call then it went off. My heart feels heavy.

Why on earth is he still calling? Will he want to ask about what he saw? Will he ask about my kiss with Aries? Why would he act like he care when he knows he shouldn't act this way?

My phone rings again.

Nick calling...

I answer it.

He exhales. "Where did you go?"

I walked out of the elevator and walked to my dorm. I entered the room and I still didn't answer Nick. He's waiting for my answer too. Tracy wasn't around, I'm sure she's with Clyde. I leaned my back against the door and I feel my heart beating faster.

"Where in hell did you go with Aries, Savannah?" He asked again. He sounds mad at me.

I exhale. "Why do you act like you're concerned about where I went to with Aries? I can go anywhere with any guy I want Nick. I don't need your permission."

I hang up.

My phone rings again.

Damn it Nick!

Nick calling...

I rejected his call but then my phone rings once again just in a split second.

Nick calling...

I answered it. "What do you want from me? I need to sleep Nick!"

"Open your goddamn door Savannah."

My brows creasing.

"Open your fucking door!" He demands while there was a slam on my door that made me flinch.

I exhale. He's outside.

I turned to face the door and took a deep breath in before I opened it. He's here. He's really right outside my room. I hang up on him and he barged his way inside.

"Didn't you leave already?" I asked as my eyebrow arching.

"I came back. I need to talk to you about what I saw." He says.

I looked away. He really saw it. He really saw me kissing Aries. Good. He saw it. I wanted Nick to see it too, cos it'll make me realize if he actually cared or not. If it actually make him jealous or not.

"Where did you go with him?" He asks. Sounded as if he's demanding an answer from me.

My head moves back to Nick and he's looking at me angrily as if I did something really unforgivable. His eyes are piercing into me and he's actually mad. I know he is. It wasn't the same face he had when he saw me with Dustin. His brows are furrowing and his jaw is clenched.

"Answer me." He says.

"I don't have to explain anything to you. You don't have the right to know where I went to with Aries." I defended myself.

"Oh really? So you mean to say I can also fuck any woman I want cos you're also doing the same thing?"

I crossed my arms together against my breasts. "Go. Be free. Fuck a lot of women as much as you want to. I won't tell you to stop."

"You know I can't do that cos I only want you." He says.

My heart is melting. Don't give in Savannah. You're stronger than this.

"Why can't you just admit to yourself that you're fucking jealous?! You get freaking jealous when I'm with another man. You're jealous when you see me with someone else. You get jealous but you don't admit it to yourself!" I yelled at him.

"Okay maybe I am! Maybe I am jealous cos you kissed Aries! Now where did you go?!" His voice rising.

"You don't have the right to know Nick. You and I are not in a commitment." I say.

He laughs humorlessly.

"Did you go fuck?" He asked bluntly.

My eyes widened.

"Did he fuck you good? Was he better when he ate you? Was he bigger than I am? Did he make you scream? Did--"

I pulled my hand up and palm landed on his cheek. I slapped Nick. I slapped him hard. My tears are brimming out from my eyes and it falls down on my cheeks. His face looking over to another direction and his jaws dropped.

"You fucking think I'm that kind of woman?! You think I could go around sleep with other men?!" I asked him.

He gulps and looks at me as if he was sorry. His eyes are rueful. His eyes looked angry a while ago and now they look soft. He licks his lips and looks confused as hell. I think he just realized what he just said to me. He just realized that he said too much.

"We may not be together, we may not be in a relationship and we may not have a label, but Nick I've never had sex with another man aside from you! How can you think of me that way?!" I yelled at him.

My tears are falling more. He's crumpling my heart. He's hurting me and it's too much already. I always say it's too much but right now it is ready too much that I can't seem to handle it. It's out of hand.

He reaches for me but I pull myself away from him. "Don't you dare think about touching me." I spit.

"I'm sorry. It just came out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm really sorry."

"Get out." I say as I looked away.

"Savannah please."

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled at him.

I don't care if other students were hearing us fight but I wanted him to leave. I'm hurt. I've never imagined he could tell me that. I never imagined he could say that to me so straight into my face. I never thought he could think of me like that.

I motioned to the door and my jaw dropped when I saw Tracy standing by the doorway. Nick was shocked too. We didn't notice the door opening. We didn't notice that someone came in. She looked at us confused and troubled. I wonder how long she has been standing there. I wonder what were the things she heard.

"How long did... You two..." Tracy seemed surprised like us.

Tracy laughs humorlessly but I know she couldn't believe the things she heard.

"You two have been fucking each other around behind our backs? Behind me?! Savannah I thought you trust me?! Why didn't you even tell me anything about this?!" Tracy's voice raising too.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"Yeah save it. I told you to stay away from Nick cos he'll only hurt you. But you didn't listen. Now how long has this thing been going on?" Tracy asks.

I closed my eyes.

"Don't answer that Savannah." Nick says.

"Are you at least going to court her Nick?" She asked him.

"No." Nick answers.

Ouch. He answered so quickly. Still no hesitation on his voice.

I sigh.

"You're unbelievable Nick. You're just the same as Aries. You use women. I never thought you could do this!"

My tears are escaping from my eyes like a waterfall.

Tracy eyes Nick eagerly. "You're just fucking her? Just like that?"

Yes Tracy. Yes. This is all he could give me.

"You lied to me. Both of you lied to me. I felt so stupid now after all those times we were together. God Nick are you really going to keep on treating Savannah this cheap? She deserves more than just to be your fuck girl!" Tracy raises her voice.

"Tracy please. It's okay." I say.

"No it's not okay Savannah! Do you hear yourself? He's my brother. You're my roommate. You're a close friend now. I can't let him do this to you! You're an innocent girl. You're too innocent for him. It's like he's treating you garbage and--"

"I love him Tracy." I cut her off and my tears are still falling and falling.

Tracy's lip parted in shock.

"I'll let him use me as much as he wants to and as long as he needs me cos I love him." I added.

Nick looked away. Tracy looks at him as if she's asking him that he knows about how I feel and his stares seemed to answer her question. Tracy shakes her head. I feel so low of myself. I tell myself I don't deserve this but I love Nick. I'm still too in love to let go. Not now. Not yet.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? You should be mad that he's using you for his own pleasure. You should be stopping this. You shouldn't agree to this kind of thing you have with Nick. It'll go nowhere." She asks me.

I shake my head and cried cos it's true.

"Then if that day will come when he'll get tired of you, what's next?" She asks again.

I sigh. "I don't know." I answer weakly.

"I know I ruined her Tracy." Nick says.

"You did. You will. You should've known better Nick. She's only eighteen and you're twenty four years old! God!"

"Why are you so mad at us? As if we did something wrong. If I fuck Savannah as much as I want to, it's our choice. She's letting me do it anyways. I didn't even stop you from getting into a relationship with Clyde and you know I don't like him for you but you still said yes to him. So don't get involve with our shit. It's not your goddamn business. " Nick spat.

I'm covering my face with my hands. I'm so embarrassed. I don't want them to fight because of me. I don't want to hear those words coming from their mouths. I feel so embarrassed cos it's because of me.

"It's my sex life, Tracy. It's Savannah's sex life. It's not yours. It's ours! We can do what we want cos we're adults."

"You will hurt her Nick. You will give her false hope and women will always fall first as you see now. You will not only ruin her but you'll emotionally hurt her."

I'm sobbing.

I'm crying.

I don't want to hear this.

Tracy holds me and hugs me close to her. I'm crying on her shoulder but I'm trying to be strong though I'm wrecking inside.

"I'm not going to tell you to stop it cos eventually you'll run into each other's arms again and do it. But I just wished you could've told me." Tracy says.

She leaves the room and slams the door.

"Tracy!" I call out but Nick pulled me back and stopped me.

"She'll get over it." He says.

I pulled my hand away from him. "Get out Nick. Don't make me push you out cos I will."

He exhales as he runs his palms over his face. "This night is fucked up."

It is. It's not the kind of night I expected it to be.

"I'm sorry." He added.

He grabs the back of my neck and kissed my forehead as my tears rolls over my cheeks at the same time. We always end up like this and it's tiring sometimes. I should get tired of this but why do I still want to keep him? Why do I still want him to hurt me? Why do I let him do these things to me? His thumb brushing against my cheek, wiping my tears away.

"I really didn't mean to say it." He repeats.

Both of us grew quiet. Both of us waited for someone to talk. Both of us waited. Our eyes staring at each other but no words are coming out from our mouths.

"I think I already have my third rule Nick." I say confidently.

I'm sure about this now.

He looks at me, shocked, and I swear in hell he didn't expect this. His marvelous eyes winter blue eyes looked at me.

"What is it?" I waited for him to ask.

"Once this will end between us, I want us to forget each other." I tell him while my eyes weren't looking at him.

He didn't answer.

"I want us to act like it didn't happen to us. I want us to act like we've never met. Like we've never seen each other naked. Like we've never.... Had sex." I added.

It's hurting me.

"That's not possible." He says.

"It is possible if we try." I answer while I bent my head down.

"Look at me." He says.

I shake my head.

"Savannah please look at me." He added.

"No." I say firmly.

He pulls my head up while he holds my chin. He wants me to look into his eyes. He's making it harder for me to lie.

"You want us to forget this thing we have? But it's something great. It's something you and I couldn't forget and won't forget. You and I both said that before." He asks.

"Once it's done, you'll live the life before you met me and I'll live the life before I met you." I say, ignoring what he said.

He pull his hand away from me as if he's retreating. He's accepting that he lost already? Oh Nick, I've already accepted my defeat long ago.

"There. I've said my third rule. You gotta go now." I say.

He didn't answer me. He didn't agree to it. I wonder if he wants my third rule but the way he looks at me makes me think he doesn't want it but a part of me is in between of wanting and not wanting this. I'm doing this third rule for myself and not for him.

"Savannah..." He exhales.

"Leave. I've said my rule." I say sternly.

__________

SFTC:

Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers