Love Aint Always Pretty novel Chapter 57

Katotohanan

Translation: Truth

Origin: Filipino

57

SAVANNAH'S POV

"I wanna know about your past Nick." I muffled.

He looks at me with doubts in his eyes.

"Please let me in. Please don't push me away. Please don't tell me I'm not ready." I added.

I breathe in and out. "I wanna know all about you. I wanna know you much more than being judged as an ex-convict. Please." I begged him.

"Before I say anything." Nick speaks.

I look at Nick's very light blue eyes eagerly and I wanna look at how his eyes will be when he tells me everything that I have been wanting to know.

"I just wanna tell you that... I'm not asking you to believe me. I'm not forcing you to. It's your choice to believe me or not." He added.

"Just say it Nick. Tell me what I need to know about your past." I tell him.

He looks down on his fingers while we sat down on the edge of his bed, side by side. I could tell he's having a hard time gathering his thoughts. He pulls his head up to the ceiling and then stared straight at the standing mirror right across us. I look at our own reflection and so does he.

"It's hard for me to say this cos... You're the first person I ever wanted to talk to about it." He says.

His words are terrifying me.

"I had a son." He speaks.

My eyes widened when I heard that very short sentence. Those four little words triggered pain straight into me that no any other four words I've ever heard made me feel like this.

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes but he's fighting them back not to fall on his cheeks. I remain quiet and still cos I couldn't find any right words to say. I just couldn't say anything to him now.

"I killed him." He says.

Oh my god. No way.

"We'll get to that later on how it happened." He added with a halt voice.

No way. No way in hell. He couldn't kill his own flesh. Another short sentence that knocked the breath out of me. I thought the words I had a son would knock me off hard but this one did hit me straight to the face pretty much worst. These words that he's going to say to me further more are some of the hardest ones he would ever say. It hurts him so much to admit about his past but I don't want him to stop. I want him to tell me about this even though this will hurt me too.

"I grew up in that town, my father was a drinker and he left us for some other woman and since then I grew up with my mother. She raised me and Tracy all by herself that's why I loved her so much. My mother didn't want to remarry again cos she was scared that his new man might hurt us so she just went to some dates and nothing serious. I have always wanted a dog but my mom won't let us get one." He says.

I sort of smiled a little bit on the last sentence.

"When I met Catherine, my mom was so happy for me cos she said Catherine was the most beautiful girl she ever saw in town. She liked Catherine for me and she approved of our relationship. But sadly Catherine's parents were the total opposite to me. They didn't like me for her cos they were rich and I wasn't. Then things went out of hand when Catherine and I eloped. We lived in this house where Alec's grandparents used to own."

My eyes flared as I listened him. I watch him tell me all about his past, his childhood and Catherine. Now this topic leads to Catherine. Well, his past is obviously only about Catherine. It revolves around her alone.

"Her father loathes me, we went to his mother's party then there I met Hans. Catherine's boyfriend back in the city whom she never loved since her parents chose him for her. Something happened that night that made her father hated me even more. One day, I heard about my mom being rushed to the hospital cos of an accident. Hans and Catherine's father planned for it the witness said but they paid for everyone to make the case close. I didn't even get the chance to fight for my mom." He starts to cry.

I reached for his hand and held it tight.

"Catherine left me too cos she felt guilty about what happened and what her father did to my mom. She thought my love for her would change after what happened. I lost my mom that summer and my girlfriend left me." He exhales hard.

I pressed my lips together.

"When she came back to town a year later, I saw her with Hans and she was pregnant. Hans said they were going to get married. I was so mad about everything that happened to me cos of him and when I saw him again, my anger ignited." I see Nick's lips trembling.

I tried to keep my composure.

"That night I went back to that house and unexpectedly Catherine was also there. Things went out of control when Hans came and I had a gun that night. There were yelling and blaming and fighting. I was so angry and I was so full of how he ruined my life."

I shake my head in disbelief.

"That same night..." He trailed off.

I'm not ready to hear this.

"I killed Catherine." He speaks softly.

I gasp. I moved my head to him and his eyes are starting to fill with tears.

"I killed Catherine, Savannah." He cries.

My hand was covering my mouth and I'm also crying with him. Seeing Nick like this, makes me confuse on who to believe. He bends his head down at the same time his tears was falling down on his cheeks. He's letting his tears fall. He's not choking it back. He's really crying in front of me and I don't know what to do. His eyes were shut close while he pauses for a moment to recover from what he was going to say.

"I killed the woman I love the most." He added while his voice is shaky.

He pulled his head up to me. "But I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to shot her."

Oh my god.

"That night when she was lying on my arms with her gunshot wound bleeding out and her blood were on me, she confessed to me that it was my baby. That it was our baby. That I need to make sure he was alive if she couldn't make it but I lost both of them that night." He's having a hard time saying it.

He sobs. "I didn't mean to kill her and our baby, Savannah. God knows I really didn't want that to happen." He broke down.

Our baby.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

He killed them both in one night. Oh my god Nick. I want to wrap my arms around him to comfort him. I want to rip all those sadness out from his soul with my bare hands. I don't know what words to say to him to comfort him because I think words aren't enough to mend his broken heart.

"It was all so sudden and Hans pointed fingers at me saying it was my intention to kill her. But I didn't. I love her so much that I can't kill her. I pointed my gun at Hans that night, he was the one who I wanted to kill but she took the bullet for him." He says while trying to hold back a cry.

"She died with the gun in my hand. I shot the trigger. I killed her." Nick cries for more.

I wrapped my arms around him as he rest his cheek above my breast. I pulled him closer to me, I want him to feel that I'm here to comfort him. I want him to know that I believe him and not those people who told me who he was in his last. I let him cry and we were both quiet for a few seconds. He pulled himself away from him while I wipe his tear with my thumb.

"I surrendered myself to the police after that night. I wanted to let them capture me and put me behind bars cos I deserved it. The woman I loved was killed with these hands Savannah." He says while laying out his hands to me.

I look at him while I'm still recovering myself from what I heard from him. All those things he passed through, all those horrible things that happened, I wanted to kiss them all away to make it all better but I'm sure this pain will forever live on in him, no matter what I'll do. I can't take away that past from him.

"That night when I met you?" He asked. "The night you saw me totally drunk right outside your room?" He asked.

I nod.

"That was the night of their seventh death anniversary. I didn't even carried my son on my arms. I didn't even get the chance to see him. I didn't even get the chance to name him." He added.

He moves his head to me. "All those people saying to me that I killed Catherine cos she cheated on me, it's not true. They believed in what Hans and her father wanted them to believe in. Catherine knows it's not true. Catherine knows I love her more than my life. And right now I'm not asking you to believe me Savannah."

"But I do. I believe in you." I say.

He looks at me as if he didn't expect that.

Nick reaches for my hand and held it. I watch our hands laced together. "My past is yours now."

I slightly smiled at him.

"All of it. You know everything about me already and it's all left for you to judge. You know how ugly my past was. You know how messed up my life was. You know how wrecked and fucked up I was back then and why I became like this man who I am now." He adds.

"And it will never change what I feel for you Nick." I cupped his cheek. "The way I loved you before you told me all about this, only made my love for you stronger." I tell him.

I don't care if this was a one-sided love. I don't care how I looked so desperate in front of him right now cos I know we aren't together but I just wanted him to know that even though I know the thing we have is nowhere to go.

"I don't care how ugly your past was Nick. I don't care about it at all. I don't care how fucked up you are cos all of us are fucked up. Well, not as how you were but we're all the same."

He holds my cheek as he brushes his thumb on my skin. "Why do you love me so much?"

He asked as if he sounds like he doesn't deserve me.

"I don't deserve your love Savannah. I hurt you all the time but why do you love me this much?"

"I don't know Nick. I really don't." I admitted. "But right now, I wish I could take away the pain you felt. I wish I could take that ugliness away from you so you could at least learn to love me."

He quickly wrapped his arms around me and we both hugged. "If I could just love again." He whispers to my ear.

"You can Nick. You're just stopping and not allowing yourself." I tell him.

"Cos I'm not worthy of you." He pulled himself away from me and brushed his thumb gently on my cheek. "My past will only make your beautiful life ugly. I don't want to ruin you cos of my horrible past Savannah. It's too much of what I'm causing you already." He says.

"Nick, I don't care if my brother doesn't like it that I'm seeing you cos I will still see you. He's not gonna stop me. We're not stopping this." I say firmly.

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"Well I wouldn't want to get involve into a brawl with him. And you didn't tell me your brother was Canterbury, the former president of Lambda Chi Alpha." He says.

"The former what of what?" I asked.

He moved his head to me. "Didn't you know he was a frat?"

"Cameron was a frat boy?!" I asked in disbelief.

He nods. "He was the most scariest president of all frats in his time."

I gaped. "Oh my gosh you mean to say Cameron and Baxter came from the same fraternity?!"

He nods. "Didn't you know?"

I shake my head. "Why does he know you?"

"Cos he knew I've been to prison. He hated me cos... We got into a fight once and he lost."

My eyes flared momentarily. "No way?"

"We did. He was so mad at me before, cos the girl he was dating, came to our party instead cos she knew I was there and then she was flirting with me. I didn't really deal with her, she was the one throwing herself at me. So yeah, ever since then your brother hated me."

I half smiled.

"I can't believe I've been screwing Cameron's little sister." He chuckles.

"I can't believe I've been screwing with my brother's arch nemesis."

He laughs.

"It's good to hear you laugh again." I tell him.

Nick stared at me for a while then all of a sudden he held my chin up and started kissing my lips slowly. We kissed for a little while until he pulls me up and placed me over his lap. I placed my arms around his neck while my legs spreads against his body. Our kisses are now getting more and more intense while I feel him rubbing my thighs.

"Thank you." He says, cutting off our kiss.

"For what?"

"For trusting me. For confronting me about the truth instead of believing in them right away. For still staying with me after what you found out."

I kissed his lips briefly.

"You've done too much for me Savannah. And when I heard Cameron a while ago, telling you to stay away from me, I was scared. I really thought I would lose you. I wasn't ready yet." He says.

"Don't say anything more Nick. Don't make me fall more in love with you. Please." I tell him.

"I just need you to hear this one out." He speaks. Looking at me like he's so in love.

Both of us looked into each other's eyes while he cups the other side of my face.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me after eight years of being dead Savannah." He tells me while he pushes my hair off my face.

"You brought me back to life." He added.

I smiled at him happily as I feel my tears falling down on my cheeks but then he wipes them away.

"And I thank you for that." He says before kissing my lips again.

__________

SFTC:

Let Your Tears Fall - Kelly Clarkson